Last night I begged those who rely on me to go for a walk around the courtyard – they acquiesed and we enjoyed some time together in blissful oneness. I tread quietly (as quiet is all I have known for several days now in this place) along the concrete and cobblestone pathways that lead to my new favorite spot, the waterfall and the fish-pond. Unfortunately, as stated in my prophetic post from just a few short days ago, upon reaching the outer rim of the pond proper all the life that I had within me began to slip from my possession. As I sat upon the grass enjoying the sounds of the clear water dabbling and dropping over the rocks and into the pool below I realized that I had come to the threshold, from the shadow of which I should never return.

 

My breath quickened in short, sharp gasps, each gulp stinging my torso with memories that I relished but also with the anguish of awareness that the fond times I wished for in the distant future would never come to me. My energy now nearing depletion They had to carry me back to the home I wished I had never known, in this place, this A.

Once home again a fleeting burst of desire to carry forward and seek out those fond rememberances yet to be had found me writhing about with countless attempts to rise to my feet on my own power, in the hopes that I would not need Their help to achieve the vertical – but it was not to be. Do not misunderstand when I tell you that I wish They had left me alone to stand upright again without the propping that ultimately proved the only method by which I succeeded; I know They meant well but it ANGERED ME SO that They viewed me to be so frail, nearly lifeless. Why IN HELL could They NOT just let me struggle myself and give me room?

So now you know how I began the longest night of my short life – in this place I would never call MY home – damn them for bringing me here – and bless them for it. I have often pondered the concept of the philosiphers who have argued in their many ways “Wherever you go, there you are,” or perhaps the vile ravings of “…as long as we are together, we are home.” NOT TRUE for I never called A. my home – no matter what they told me. For it was not my home and I despise them for uprooting what I knew, what I loved, what I needed. Could it have waited? With so little time left of my life, what if They had just let me live it where I wanted to be? But then, if They had gone on to A. without me I would surely have known sorrow then.

I remain,

 

Wayne Noyes-Goode

November 19:    I exist only to stare into the crater that stretches out in front of me now. That foreboding feeling that came when this transition was first presented to me has become more and more certain in my mind – and I shall never return from A. alive.    

There is something here, lurking, following me, or is it leading me towards that inevitable fate that was created for me when I made the choices I made?

My prayers (such as they are) do not help but solidify that I have no future elsewhere and I can only support those who rely upon me at present until the moment comes…

…and then I shall sleep, never having returned

I remain,

 

Wayne Noyes-Goode

November 18        

I’ve been deliberately vague before.? Many times for many reasons and it is usually because I don’t exactly trust the people to whom I’m giving information.? The information I give, therefore is not the whole truth.? When is it appropriate to be this way with another human being?

The answer is, I don’t know and since I have times when I insist on behaving in this manner I cannot exactly fault another for doing the same.

Next question: Why do human beings insist on being deliberately vague with one another?? Wouldn’t everything be easier without it?? Wouldn’t life be easier without it?

I remain,

Wayne Noyes-Goode

November 17:       

Someone recently told me that I cause myself more grief than I’d ever experience if I’d just get out of my own way. What the fuck does that mean?

Okay, no I really do understand that I am my own worst enemy. What is the point? This friend who shared this concept knows me fairly well. My only response to her would be – have you seen my my apartment lately? I’ve created my own personal hell – do ya think I’m unaware?

Fine, the question I have for her today is this: Aren’t we all our own worst nightmare(s)?

I remain,

Wayne Noyes-Goode

 

 

November 16:
The boy uttered a phrase that sounds familiar to me, he looked the man straight in the eye and asked:
“Thou Rogue what, dost thou bring this fellow here to plague me?” 

Why does it seem I’ve heard that before?

I remain,

 

Wayne Noyes-Goode